12 Things I Wish I’d Known As A Newcomer

12 Things I Wish I’d Known As A Newcomer

12 Things I Wish I’d Known As A Newcomer

When I was living in NYC (2002-2016) I remember one night sitting in a meeting at my home group (a beginners meeting), and there was a girl in her early 20’s who was attending her very first A.A. meeting. She sounded confused and frightened. She, and the other newcomers in the room, were given some great ideas on how to embrace this new world of recovery so they could get the most out of their time in the rooms.

Our meeting script read just before sharing begins at each meeting states, “A.A. co-founder Bill W. said that our chief responsibility to the newcomer is a clear and adequate presentation of the program.”  I could not agree more.  I’m finding in meetings today I hear far more about the “problem” and far less about the “solution” (e.g., the Steps, relationship with a Higher Power, a personality change [or spiritual experience], etc.).

I went home that night after the meeting and started thinking about what I wished I’d been told in my first days in A.A. While I believe “everything happens in God’s world exactly as it’s supposed to,” I wish I had been told some of these things in ways I could understand, things that in my 35th year of recovery are my foundation to daily living.  I reached out to my sober network at that time and asked them to share with me what was the one thing THEY wished they had known as a newcomer.  The following is an edited list of their thoughts along with experience, strength and hope from them and from myself.

“I wish I had known….

  1. …that not drinking and going to meetings were only PART of the solution.”  I continue to hear this in many rooms of A.A.  It is certainly part of the solution but not the complete answer.  I find it very hard to believe that it is what Bill W. had wanted for our members when he penned the 12 Steps.
  2. …not to be afraid to ask questions even if I think they are stupid.”  For example, I remember in my first week of recovery, I was sitting in a meeting and kept hearing people refer to “the big book.”  What exactly is that?  Are they referring to the Bible?  I was terrified to raise my hand and ask that question.  It’s perfectly okay to say that I don’t fully understand every single one of Bill’s “big words” found in the literature and to ask for definitions for them when I don’t.
  3. …what people meant when they said get a sponsor and do the work.”  How does one pick a sponsor?  What, specifically, is this “work” people talk about?  I was told early on to sit in meetings, listen, and when I hear someone speak that I feel “has” what I want – that’s who I ask to be my sponsor (even if only temporarily).  The work?  Let that sponsor hand-walk you through the 12 Steps.  I simply didn’t know the importance of having a good sponsor and how valuable the first 164 pages of the Big Book were.
  4. …that there is a massive difference between the “program” of A.A. and the “fellowship” of A.A.”  My grand sponsor who has been sober since 1959 tells me that he believes (and so do I) that we have a responsibility to the newcomer to help them fully understand the difference between the PROGRAM of Alcoholics Anonymous and the FELLOWSHIP of Alcoholics Anonymous.  The program of A.A. is in one place and one place only – the first 164 pages of our book (which contains our 12 Steps).  It’s our instruction manual.  Everything else is the Fellowship.  For example, something often told to beginners is “we suggest you make 90 meetings in 90 day’s.” This is not in the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous.  It is a wonderfully profound suggestion found in the fellowship, but not in the program.  It has been my experience that “one cannot be IN the program (one works the program by taking the Steps) – we are IN the fellowship.  I treat my untreated alcoholism by taking the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous first.  Meetings, sponsorship, slogans & service work are not the program and alone, will not keep me safe from untreated alcoholism – they are valuable tools found within the fellowship. Today, I believe that a combination of ALL of these things (knowing that taking the Steps comes first), will put me on the path to right living.
  5. …that I would make mistakes but in the end, everything would still be okay.”  I was sure I was going to screw this up too.  I screwed everything else up – why wouldn’t I think I wasn’t going to screw this up too?
  6. …what people meant when they said give time time.”  I had no idea how many years and how much work it would take to get to where I am in my sober life today. I wish I had known “It Works!”
  7. …that when I heard “men with the men and women with the women for obvious reasons,” I really understood what that meant.” When this phrase was written, it was with the intent that men should be working men and women with women so that “other issues” would not get in the way while taking the Steps. It all comes down to the spiritual condition of each individual and their working relationship, and only they get to decide if it is healthy or not.  This, and any suggestion you may hear are just that – suggestions.  Nobody has to the right in A.A. to tell you that you can or cannot work with whomever you want to work with.
  8. …that I truly was welcome in A.A. and to keep coming because it WILL start to make sense in time.”  Before coming to A.A., I was not welcome anywhere.  In the beginning, it all seemed so much to take in and I was not sure it would ever sink in.  It took me a long time to really believe that I could have this thing too.
  9. …that most of the slogans we see in A.A. meeting rooms ARE NOT the program, they are sayings found only within the Fellowship.”  “Keep Coming Back” & “Think Think Think” are two slogans I saw hanging in meetings rooms and assumed they were part of the program.  It wasn’t until someone walked me through the first 164 pages of our basic text that I realized they were not there.  The only slogans that are actually in the first 164 pages (found on page 135 of The Family Afterward) are “First Things First”, “Live and Let Live” and “Easy Does It.”  All the rest are made up by members and not found in the actual program of A.A.
  10. …that the work is rigorous [definition: disciplined, severely exact or accurate; precise] but definitely a lot less painful than the bitter morass [definition: any situation that is confusing or troublesome, especially one from which it is difficult to free oneself] of self pity I had been living in.”  I had to stop being stubborn and become willing to do the work, rigorous or not if I wanted what I saw in so many others in the rooms.
  11. …that my fear is a mile high, a mile wide and only paper thin.” I had no idea how to deal with my fears when I first came in.  I was taking myself way too seriously because I didn’t know there was any other way to cope.
  12. …what to say out loud in my very first meeting.”  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say that I was an alcoholic yet.  I wasn’t even completely sure I was, but I said it just so I could fit in and you wouldn’t ask me to leave.

This is by no means a comprehensive list of things I wish I had known and is just the personal experience of a handful of A.A. members and me.  I’m aware that I got it when I got it and much of this was generally beyond the fog I had as a newcomer – but with gentle guidance helping me to a better understanding of each of them, I might not have had to wait until my “20’s” before completely understanding what I, and so many others in this Fellowship know to be the true foundation of our program – the first 164 and a personal relationship with a God of my understanding.  Giving the newcomer a clear and adequate presentation of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is up to me and every member of A.A. so every newcomer gets the message of the program as clearly and adequately as Bill W. wrote it.

In love & service,

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2 Comments

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    Amanda Cash Roberts

    Says April 02, 2023 at 6:25 pm

    I just got turned on to this site today and am truly looking forward to diving into the wealth of Experience, Strength and Hope you have to share. Thank you for creating a beautiful space to pass on yours. I love you dearly and am ever so grateful for the wealth of knowledge you continue to demonstrate through the things you have shared already.
    Thank you for being an elder statesman.
    In Love and Service,
    Amanda R.

    • Rick W.

      Rick W.

      Says April 03, 2023 at 9:26 am

      Thanks Amanda!!!!! I love you as well and am so grateful God put you in my life. Thank you for your service and may we continue to walk this journey together for many years to come.

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