I was sitting in a spiritual book study this morning and the topic of forgiveness came up. I love how in this particular study group that it’s a true discussion, learning, and sharing session. We are allowed to ask dumb questions (or at least questions WE think are dumb). One of the women in the study group shared a story she knew of someone who had caused great harm to someone she cared about and it resulted in the death of that loved one. She shared how it took her many years to get to a place of forgiveness. I believe the room felt she was referring to the emotional side of it.

The conversation went on and as we continued discussing how difficult it can be at times to forgive, one of the men in the group said this:

“Forgiveness is less about emotion – and more about action.” He went onto say that C. S. Lewis has even stated that, “Once the action is taken, often times the emotion then follows.” (I may have paraphrased him a bit, but that’s the general gist of what he said)

I got home from that study and looked up the definition of forgiveness and one that I found said this:

“Forgiveness is the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.”

So, maybe it IS, FIRST, an action.

Typically, psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

One of my favorite spiritual teachers, Nadia Bolz-Weber, once said this on the topic of forgiveness:

“I really believe that when someone else does us harm, we are connected to that mistreatment like a chain because forgiveness is nothing less than an act of fidelity to an evil combatting campaign. So, it’s not an act of niceness, it’s not being a doormat; it’s really more badass than that. Maybe retaliation or holding onto the anger about the harm done to me doesn’t actually combat evil. Maybe it feeds it because in the end, if we’re not careful we can actually absorb the worst of our enemy and on some level even start to become them. So what if forgiveness, rather than being a pansy way of saying, “It’s Ok;” is actually an act of wielding bolt cutters and snapping the chain that links us. Maybe it’s saying, “What you did is so not ok that I refuse to be connected to it anymore. Forgiveness is about being a freedom-fighter. Free people are dangerous people! Free people aren’t controlled by the past. Free people laugh more than others. Free people see beautify where others do not. Free people are not easily offended. Free people are unafraid to speak truth to stupid. Free people are not chained to resentments – THAT’S worth fighting for. Maybe forgiveness is remembering that there really is a light that shines in the darkness and that darkness cannot, will not, shall not, overcome it.”

In my own sobriety, I have had many opportunities to offer forgiveness. Sometimes I took that opportunity, and sometimes I simply wasn’t ready. But I CAN tell you that each time I chose not to look at forgiveness as first an action, and chose not to take it, I WAS 100% completely chained TO it.

I’m grateful today that I was reminded by that wonderful man in book study this morning that maybe forgiveness is less about emotion – and more about action and that once I take the action my heart will follow. Maybe it won’t be in that moment, but I do have the experience that it WILL come. Once again, I am reminded that ours is now, and will always be, a program of action. God is so very good.

In love & service,