“Turn it over.”

“Acceptance is the answer.”

“More will be revealed.”

“Just do the next right thing.”

“Let go and let God.”

Spend enough time around Alcoholics Anonymous and you will hear these phrases hundreds, maybe thousands, of times. And here’s the uncomfortable part: Most of them are true.

That’s precisely why we need to be careful with them. A cliché usually doesn’t become a cliché because it is false. It becomes a cliché because something meaningful has been repeated so often that we can say it without having to think very deeply about what it actually means. I would never suggest that the “How It Works” read at the beginning of many A.A. meetings could ever become a cliché, but I can’t be the only person who’s ever zoned out during its reading once or twice (wink wink). But I digress.

And in recovery, that can become dangerous.

Sometimes another alcoholic comes to us frightened, angry, confused, grieving, or facing a genuinely complicated situation. They begin telling us what is happening, and before they have even finished we reach into our spiritual toolbox and pull out one of our favorite AA sayings.

Turn it over. Maybe they need to. But maybe they also need us to shut up and listen.

When Wisdom Becomes an Escape Hatch

I have absolutely done this. Someone brings me something messy, and I immediately start searching for the spiritual principle that will make sense of it.

• Where’s the resentment?
• Where’s the fear?
• What’s your part?
• Have you prayed about it?
• What are you trying to control?

Those can be excellent questions. They can also become ways of rushing somebody through something uncomfortable because I am uncomfortable sitting in it with them. There is an enormous difference between helping someone find a spiritual principle and using a spiritual principle to make their problem disappear.

“Acceptance is the answer” can be profound wisdom. It can also become a way of saying: Stop being upset about this.

“Turn it over” can point someone toward reliance upon God. It can also mean: I don’t know what else to tell you.

“More will be revealed” can remind us that we don’t need every answer today. It can also become: Let’s not wrestle with this difficult question.

The words haven’t changed. What has changed is what we’re using them for.

The Big Book Usually Goes Deeper Than the Slogan

One thing I appreciate about the Big Book is that it rarely lets us get away with merely thinking spiritual thoughts. It continually moves us toward action. When we’re afraid, we don’t simply say, “Turn it over.” We identify the fear, ask God to remove it, and ask what God would have us be. When we’re resentful, we don’t simply say, “Acceptance is the answer.” We inventory the resentment, examine where we’re affected, look for our part, pray, and seek a different way of responding. When we’ve harmed someone, we don’t say, “More will be revealed.” We make amends.

AA’s spiritual program is remarkably practical. The Big Book tells us that “faith without works is dead.” The program repeatedly moves from recognition to surrender to action. That middle word matters. Surrender does not mean avoidance.

“Turn It Over” And Then What?

Suppose someone I sponsor calls me because his marriage is falling apart. He is terrified. I could say: “Turn it over to God.” Fair enough. But what does that mean?

Does it mean having an honest conversation with his spouse, mean making an amends, mean respecting a boundary he doesn’t like, mean calling a marriage counselor, mean admitting something he has been hiding, or does it mean accepting that he cannot control whether the marriage survives?

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Turning something over isn’t necessarily the end of the conversation. Sometimes it is where the conversation begins. 

Acceptance Doesn’t Mean I Stop Discernment

“Acceptance is the answer” may be one of the most quoted ideas in AA. But acceptance can easily become confused with resignation. There are realities I must accept because they are outside my control. I can’t control another person’s behavior, rewrite yesterday, force someone to forgive me, or guarantee outcomes. But accepting reality doesn’t mean I become passive within reality.

If someone is mistreating me, acceptance may mean finally accepting that they are actually mistreating me and doing something about it. If I have damaged a relationship, acceptance may mean acknowledging the consequences while doing everything reasonably possible to repair the harm. If I am grieving, acceptance may mean admitting my heart is broken today and not pretending that because I have a Higher Power I shouldn’t hurt. Sometimes acceptance isn’t what makes the pain disappear. Acceptance is simply what allows me to stop arguing with the fact that the pain exists.

Sometimes the Most Spiritual Thing We Can Say Is “Tell Me More”

I’ve begun to think that one of the most underrated responses in recovery is: “Tell me more.”

• Not advice.
• Not a slogan.
• Not a quotation.
• Just curiosity.

Tell me more about what happened.

• Tell me what you’re afraid of.
• Tell me what you think your choices are.
• Tell me what you believe your responsibility is.
• Tell me what you’re trying to control.
• Tell me what hurts.

That kind of conversation requires something from me. I have to listen. I have to resist fixing. I have to tolerate ambiguity. And perhaps most importantly, I have to admit that I may not immediately know what this person needs to hear. That’s humility too.

We Aren’t Gurus

Sponsorship can make this particularly important. After we’ve been around AA awhile, people start asking us questions. And when people keep asking us questions, something subtle can happen: We start believing we’re supposed to have answers. But sponsorship doesn’t make me an oracle. My job isn’t to have a clever AA response for every human problem someone puts in front of me.

• Sometimes my responsibility is to share my experience.
• Sometimes it is to point toward the Steps.
• Sometimes it is to encourage prayer.
• Sometimes it is to suggest talking with someone qualified to address something outside my experience.

And sometimes my job is simply to sit with another alcoholic and say: “I don’t know. But let’s keep looking at it.” There is tremendous spiritual integrity in those words.

Don’t Throw Away the Clichés

I don’t want us to stop saying these things. I still believe in turning things over. I believe deeply in acceptance. I believe more will be revealed. I believe in doing the next right thing.

These phrases have survived because there is wisdom in them. The danger comes when the phrase becomes a substitute for the spiritual principle it represents.

• “Turn it over” should invite surrender.
• “Acceptance” should invite us into reality.
• “More will be revealed” should invite patience.
• “Do the next right thing” should lead to action.
• “Let go and let God” should challenge my illusion that I control outcomes.

If the slogan ends the conversation before we’ve actually confronted what is happening, perhaps we haven’t applied the principle at all. We’ve merely quoted it.

From Cliché Back to Truth

Maybe the challenge for those of us who have been around awhile is to hear these old phrases again as though we were hearing them for the first time.

The next time I tell someone to “turn it over,” I can ask myself: What exactly am I asking them to surrender?

When I say, “Acceptance is the answer”: What reality am I asking them to accept?

When I say, “More will be revealed”: Am I encouraging patience or avoiding a difficult conversation?

And when I don’t know what to say? Maybe I don’t need to say anything profound. Maybe I can listen, ask another question, pray with them, help them look at what the Steps actually ask us to do. Because recovery isn’t built on catchy phrases. It’s built on spiritual principles practiced in actual life. The slogans can point toward those principles. But the slogan isn’t the principle.

And sometimes the difference between the two begins with three simple words: Tell me more.

In love & service,