One of the greatest freedoms recovery offers is the ability to stop letting other people decide who we’re going to be.

Most of us arrived in Alcoholics Anonymous with a long list of reasons why we drank, acted out, exploded, withdrew, lied, manipulated, or held resentments. We became experts at pointing to what someone else did and explaining why our response was justified.

• “They made me angry.”
• “They disrespected me.”
• “They hurt me.”
• “They didn’t do what they said they would do.”
• “They treated me unfairly.”

The problem is that if someone else’s behavior determines mine, then they are in control of my life. That is not freedom.

The phrase, “Don’t let someone else’s behavior determine yours,” isn’t just good advice. It is a recovery principle that runs throughout the Twelve Steps and the Big Book.

The Real Problem

The Big Book teaches us that resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. Why? Because resentment allows other people to live rent-free in our heads.

• Someone says something hurtful.
• Someone disappoints us.
• Someone betrays our trust.
• Someone acts selfishly.

Then we spend days, weeks, months, or even years replaying it. What has happened?

• Their behavior has now become our behavior.
• Their selfishness produces our resentment.
• Their dishonesty produces our bitterness.
• Their anger produces our anger.
• Their sickness produces our sickness.

Without realizing it, we’ve handed them the steering wheel. Recovery invites us to take it back.

I sometimes forget that they are not and never were the problem. The problem lies between my left ear and my right ear. My alcoholic insanity tells me all kinds of things that simply are not true. Dr. Silkworth was very clear in The Doctor’s Opinion, the alcoholic is three things:

• In full flight from reality
• Maladjusted to life
• Outright mental defectives

Step One: Accept Reality

The first step teaches us to stop negotiating with reality.

• People are going to disappoint us.
• People are going to break promises.
• People are going to act selfishly.
• People are going to misunderstand us.
• People are going to be human.

The question isn’t whether others will behave badly. The question is what we’re going to do when they do. We cannot control them. We never could. But we can choose our response. This is where emotional sobriety begins.

Step Four: Look at Our Part

One of the most powerful discoveries in Step Four is realizing that our suffering often isn’t caused solely by what happened. It’s caused by what we continue doing with what happened. The inventory process asks us to examine our reactions.

• Where was I selfish?
• Where was I fearful?
• Where was I dishonest?
• Where was I controlling?

Those questions don’t excuse another person’s behavior. They simply remind us that our recovery depends on examining our side of the street. The moment we stop focusing exclusively on what they did and start looking at what we’re doing, growth becomes possible.

Step Six and Seven: Becoming Different

Many people believe spiritual growth means changing other people. The Steps teach the opposite. Spiritual growth means allowing God to change us. Someone may be rude. I don’t have to become rude. Someone may gossip. I don’t have to gossip. Someone may be dishonest. I don’t have to become dishonest. Someone may attack. I don’t have to attack back. The old version of us reacted automatically. The recovered version of us responds intentionally. That difference is the space where God works.

Step Ten: The Daily Practice

This principle shows up every day.

• A family member says something hurtful.
• A coworker takes credit for our work.
• A driver cuts us off in traffic.
• A fellow AA member says something we don’t like.

The old question was: “What are they doing?” The new question becomes: “What spiritual principle do I want to practice?”

• Patience?
• Tolerance?
• Compassion?
• Honesty?
• Humility?
• Forgiveness?

The Big Book tells us we cease fighting anything and anyone. That doesn’t mean we approve of bad behavior. It means we stop allowing it to dictate our own.

The Spiritual Freedom of Choice

One of the greatest promises of recovery is that we no longer have to live as hostages to circumstances. The world can be chaotic. People can be difficult. Life can be unfair. Yet we still have a choice. We can choose kindness when others choose cruelty. We can choose honesty when others choose deception. We can choose patience when others choose anger. We can choose love when others choose fear. That choice is not weakness. It is spiritual strength.

Anyone can react.

Recovery teaches us how to respond.

Final Thought

The next time someone’s behavior threatens your serenity, pause and ask yourself a simple question: “Who is going to decide who I am today?” Them? Or the spiritual principles I’ve learned through the Twelve Steps?

Recovery doesn’t promise that people will always treat us well. It offers something far better, the freedom to ensure that someone else’s behavior never determines our own.

In love & service,